I WAITED

  

                                                Husbands love your wife 
                                                                         Ephesians 5:25 


Editors Note: My sweet wife is out of state this week and I just wanted to write down what I was thinking. I questioned if it was to personal to share but realized my life is one big share. So here it is. 


I waited when the alarm went off for you to nudge me to turn it off. The nudge did not come. Two times I pushed snooze but still no nudge. Instead, just a blaring radio on a hot summer day.

I waited for you to stir quietly from your sleep. Stretch, yawn and kiss my cheek on the way to your shower. To run your fingers up my arm like little kisses from your sweet mouth. I waited for you to open those beautiful eyes so I could look into them and find love and compassion.  There was no tossing of the blankets. No kiss. No morning hug.

I waited to hear you grind the coffee for your morning dose of energy. I listened for the water to fill the coffee pot, and the smell of your flavor of the day. I heard nothing. Smelled nothing.

I waited to hear the shower come on and for you drop the bottle of shampoo on the floor. Its funny the things I wait for to know that your moving through your morning routine and that you are alright. The water never came on. The shampoo bottle sat safe in its spot on the shelf.

I waited for you to come into the bed room with your cup of coffee and sit on the end of the bed to dry your hair. I waited for the hair dryer as my cue to slide to the end of the bed and curl around you so you could lean against me and we could share that peaceful moment. I would pray for your day as I watched you get ready for your day. I still prayed for you but they were words only God and I would hear.

I waited for you to come into the room and turn on the sink water and burn me as I took my shower and then you would leave and turn off the light forgetting I needed it to see. Instead, I stood there in the running water missing you. Even with the light on it still felt dark.

I waited for your text throughout the day. The morning one that simply says "I HEART U", the noon one that says "Take your meds" and the 3:00 one that says your getting Faith at school. Instead, I was left to remember these things for myself.

I waited for you at the dinner table. I wanted to hear about your day and hear the stories of the silly things you may have done or said at work. Instead, I turned the TV on and watched nothing. I hate the feeling of nothing.

I waited to hold your hand and kiss your soft lips. I wanted to feel your body with mine and hold the edge of your night shirt as I fell asleep. It brings me peace and comfort and reminds me that the world is good and whole and kind. In the moon light I could see nothing but an empty pillow.

I waited in the middle of the night for you to come find me wondering the house in sleepless pain. I waited for you to softly ask if I am alright and if I need anything. Instead, I wondered alone with no whispers in the dark just the thoughts of life and you in my head. Even when I am troubled my thoughts are of you and they bring me comfort.

I waited so long for you that when you are gone I am hopeless. I am only a shell of myself. I am not even half of us because you make up so much more then half. You are the better portion of my life, our marriage and you make me a better man.

I waited for God to bring you to me and now I will wait until he brings you back. Then I will be complete. Then I will have peace and then I can continue "My Journey".

John 16:32

I often wonder if those who read these blogs think to themselves 'He often repeats himself", I mean there are thoughts that I have and I wonder if I have ever written them before. However, tonight as I sit here I am confused at what makes people read my blog. I wonder what makes people tick and I wonder why me?

Not in the way you may think. I mean I know that many read this to support me and for that I am forever grateful and cherish the fact that you care so much that you follow this journey. I also know that your love makes me tick. Your reading this blog keeps me focused even though the posts are few and far between lately.

My days are messy. I try to do yard work and I last for 10 -20 minutes and I am beat up and exhausted. My lawn is basically dead. Even moving a sprinkler wears my arms out. I make a list in my mind and I go over it and over it but then my body has different plans and I stumble along and complete very little.

How am I supposed to get firewood ready for winter? How am I suppose to mow what lawn I have left? How am I supposed to fold laundry? So much to do but my arms, legs and body says no way.

Frustrating.

Nights are just as bad. I cant sleep. My aching arms keep up. Leg cramps are a constant enemy. I even got one in my lip the other day. I walk the yard, the front porch, the hallway. I watch the stars, I feel the breeze on my face and I hear the silence of the darkness around me.

I watch Kris sleep.

I said a prayer for you and I said one of my own.

So the ultimate question...Why me? That one is easy. Because God loves me. God knew I was going to get Parkinson's disease and he loved me so much he gave me you. YOU! He gave me Kris, Emily, Danny, and Faith.

AND FAITH!

Faith that believes he put me in a community that loves and protects me and allows me to serve them in whatever way I still can.

We are all going somewhere and God is with us.

"I am not alone because my father is with me."

John 16:32

We all need to decide how we are traveling and where we are going. For me, I am fortunate to know that I travel a road that is not one I travel alone. I travel a road that goes in many directions and I can get anywhere from here.

So if you are like me and you are fighting a battle take comfort and know that God with you and he loves you very much. So do I! He carries us and he makes our lives easier and at the end of the day rest will come.

Tomorrow I will awake. My rest will be little and my body may be tired but my heart will be strong and my mind will be clear. And my spirit? My spirit will carry me as I make "My Journey".