Grandpa Told Me So

I would often spend sleep overs at my grandparents house and I always found life full of fun and great times. Grandpa had a farm full of animals, gardens full of food and late in the afternoon we would sit and listen to a baseball game on his old radio. He could milk a cow in the dark of morning, mend a fence by noon and when he sneezed he could make his teeth fly out of his mouth and catch them with his tongue before they were to far gone.

Grandpa never said much but when he talked I listened closely as I knew his words were of truth and that if I followed his guidance I would never go wrong.

There was safety sitting on his knee, there was love in his hugs and there was a warmth and trust that I found in his kind laughter and winks. Late at night when a summer storm rumbled he said it would be ok and I knew it would be because Grandpa had told me so.

Then one day he was gone and no matter where I looked I could never find him. Just a memory a feeling and a trust that he was always close and that everything will be ok no matter how loud the thunder gets.

Tuesday January 23, 2018 started like any normal day for me. I had wondered the house most the night frustrated that I could not sleep because of the pain, I was sad because I had just completed my final 4H event and was now officially retired from 4H and I was confused as to why my body would not just give me just one day away from the challenges of Parkinson's.

As Krishna woke up I told he I did not feel well and she felt maybe it was the start of the flu. I headed for the couch because I was not going to work and risk passing the flu to my employees. That is one great team of friends that did not need to get sick. They spend their everyday blessing our amazing students and the flu was not something they deserved. Kris texted my team and I hit the couch.

Just as I hit the couch it hit me. Not the flu but the pain. I mean PAIN! Leg crams and muscle spasms like I cannot describe. I know that I have shared before that Parkinson's causes leg cramps It is caused by having too much dopamine in your brain, which can overstimulate your muscles. Spasms in your calf muscles may make your toes curl into a claw-like position. 

Before I knew it my legs were a massive mess and my arms were  curled under like a claw like position. For what seemed like an eternity I arched my backed pounded the couch and begged for help. Kris and Emily tried to hold me, rub me and love me but I was way out of it in pain. After about 30-45 minutes it started to ease. It was only then I could catch my breath.

Then it happened again.

When the fog lifted I realized my buddy Kenny was there and he said we are leaving now for the hospital. After I arrived at the ER I was taken straight to check in and It happened again. This time I am sitting in the wheel chair and I was begging into Kris ear to get me out of there because I did not want people to see me like that. I was rushed into a room and my pulse was 170 beats a minute. 

There comes a moment in every mans life when a nurse with a IV is his best friend.

I slept for hours while the staff did the tests and blood work and x rays. The results? I have Parkinson's Disease. and now an appointment at UCSF at the Parkinson Center on February 12 at 9:00 in the morning. 

I missed work the whole week. I slept a lot and I had time to think, pray and wonder and this is what I realized.I am blessed by fellow Admin Team members who are a blessing to all they come into contact with.  

I also realized something bigger. You see as I lay there and worried IF I would return to work I heard a voice say these words to me. 

 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own

Matthew 6:34 

I realized that the words were Gods and they were true. They always are true. God gets us through each day and he takes care of today's troubles today and he will take care of tomorrows troubles tomorrow. But while the words I heard were Gods, the voice that I heard was Grandpas. And I knew I would be alright because Grandpa told me so and no matter where I go and how lost I feel they are always with me as I make My Journey.

When I am afraid I put my trust in you

Psalms 56:3

God Loves you and so do I. And yup so does Grandpa. 

A Body In Motion

When I was in school I never took a typing class as I pretty much figured that typewriters would become a thing of the past and well I was correct. Now late at night I hen and peck my way through these blogs and guess what? It is much more difficult when you are shaking with Parkinson's.

As I look back on the last few weeks of my life there is so much to say about what my body and my mind have secretly and silently endured. I feel like I have been through the valley pictured above. I took this picture a few years ago and in some way I feel like I have slowly walked around that mountain in the distant looking for answers to questions that maybe should never be asked. 

In my mind I have watched those clouds blur my memory and I have stumbled over those rocks and in the frustration of it all I have tried to yell above the storm that rages in my body. During it all  enduring a pain, frustration and disease that can so often look invisible to the world but be so real in my body.

Just today, I was sharing with someone that if I was sitting in my chair with my arms crossed you could look at me and you would think I was perfectly fine. Why? Because I can hide it well.  Early this morning as I slept my wife started to rub my back and found that my body was in perfect peace. It concerned her so much she actually checked to see if I was breathing. 

The Parkinson's tremor is what most people first recognize when they see a person with the disease. However it is not always the first symptom. For me one of the first and continued symptoms is the pain that I have discussed before. Include in this achy legs, leg cramps, and leg jerks. My back, hip and leg pain is intense and real. 

The tremor or shaking often start in one hand and, arm, or leg, occurs when you're awake and sitting or standing still (resting tremor), and it gets better when you move that body part. 

Symptoms of Parkinson's disease differ from person to person. They also change as the disease progresses. Symptoms that one person gets in the early stages of the disease, another person may not get until later-or not at all.

It is important to note that most these symptoms are calm while sleeping. But when I can sleep I struggle with horrible REAL night mares and several times I have been woke up by Kris because I am either hitting her or all out punching her while I am asleep. (It is a HORRIBLE feeling knowing I have hit someone I love so much.) 

Below are other challenges that I have been facing in different levels:

•  Stiff muscles (rigidity) and aching muscles. One of the most common early signs of Parkinson's is a reduced arm swing on one side when you walk. This is caused by rigid muscles. Rigidity can also affect the muscles of the legs, face, neck, or other parts of the body. It may cause muscles to feel tired and achy. Your muscles can be slow, limited movement, especially when you try to move from a resting position. For instance, it may be hard to get out of a chair or turn over in bed.

• Weakness of face and throat muscles. It may get harder to talk and swallow. You may choke or cough  Speech becomes softer and monotonous. Loss of movement in the muscles in the face can cause a fixed, vacant facial expression, often called the "Parkinson's mask."

• Difficulty with walking and balance. A person with this disease is likely to take small steps and shuffle with his or her feet close together, bend forward slightly at the waist, and have trouble turning around. Balance and posture problems may cause frequent falls. But these problems usually don't happen until later on.

• Freezing sudden, brief inability to move. It most often affects walking.

So I could get down. Really there have been nights I have sat in my recliner unable to sleep due to the pain and wondering if I wanted to due to the dreams. Just this week I was asked to officiate the funeral of a dear friend and she passed after fighting Parkinson for 20 years. She endured many of the same things I endure now. Is that scary to me? Sometimes.

But here is the truth. She is an example to me as she lived with grace and dignity. I also have a few secret weapons. 

There is a song by Tenth Avenue  North that says:

Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?
I don't want to live in fear
I want to trust that You are near
Trust Your grace can be seen
In both triumph and tragedy

As I walk this great unknown

The bible says:

Matthew 11:28

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

AND HE DOES. 

For as many nights as I have sat in that recliner or paced the halls of this old house in despair and pain I have found peace because I give it all to the God who loves me. The days are challenging and at night I find that their can be things that hide in the dark hours just before dawn. But I am safe and I find that no matter how my body may be challenged my heart knows no fear because I am loved by a savior and he travels with me as I make "My Journey".

The Seasons Of Life 

To look at me now you would never guess I had a weight problem when I was growing up. My parents struggled with it forever and my siblings even gave me a nick name for it. No matter how I tried I could not change it. I exercised, ate different and yet the struggle was real. Scrawny Ronnie was my nick name and I was tall and skinny. I was also so clumsy. My couches just waited for me to get older so I could play basketball but then the realization sat in that I was clumsy. I tripped over the foul line. 

If you look at my school pictures I was a frame of bones. But man did I have energy. I was constantly moving and playing sports. I was not great at it but I loved to play. I could run on the field all day and then go home and chase animals on my grandparents farm or run after my older brothers playing war, kick the can and tag. What a life. 

We lived in what seemed like the middle of no where. A place where you could escape the world and all its troubles. The alarm to come home was a whistle or yell from mom hours after dark. We would track wild animals, hunt in the woods like mountain men and look for gold in our creek. The holes in our shoes and jeans was proof we never found any but we looked. 

I remember as a kid thinking that God really loved us because we were in heaven. We did not know when we were broke because mom and dad never told us. We did not know we did not have everything in the world because the world lived right outside our door. We had a million cousins, a dog and the whole world as our play yard.

It is funny now to look back and realize what we had. To often people look back and say "hey I was cheated because I did not have enough."  I do not feel that way. I look back and say "Yes it was hard but look what we HAD." The gift of being raised the way I was is that you realize how much God must really love you to allow you to go through challenges so that you are made stronger. In the storms is where you will find him. In the storms is where you find peace, if you know where to look.

My life is that way now. For me, the last few weeks have been a challenge. I have great moments, like today, and awful moments like last night. Parkinson's disease can be an invisible and often lonely challenge. I can go through the day untouched, like today, or I can go through a painful sleepless night like last night.

It is not always at night I suffer but when I suffer it seems like stormy dark time for me and those around me that it can affect. My back pounds, my hip throbs and my legs feel like they will fall off. You have heard me say it before, the pain is real the frustration is endless and the storm rages. 

It is in that darkness where he is waiting. It is in that storm where he walks on waves. The Lord has said he will dwell in a dark cloud. 1 Kings 8:12 . Even in the darkest of hours God is still God and he is still in control. The dark cannot hide his face from us but instead it reveals his love for us even when we cannot see his face.

God does not keep me out of the storms he actually sits there and watches me sail right into them but inside that storm he waits and he is their to guide me and protect me from danger. Remember Jesus watched his disciples sail into the storm and when they cried for help he walked right through the darkness and the storm and he was there. Without a word he made the waters calm. Because no matter how fierce the storm he is stronger.

You were born to cry so that you could learn to breath. Think about that. We learn from the hard parts.

So as I sit here tonight and watch as a storm starts to brew and cover the face of the full moon and it looks like it will rage for hours to come, I know that All things work for the good of God. Romans 8:28. He calms the storms of my life and when the sun comes up tomorrow I will have the courage and peace to face another day. I will have the courage and peace to know that he travels with me as I make My Journey.