So To Honor Him

Have you ever had a time in your life where you felt overwhelmed by the things of this world? Where life seemed so hard and no matter what you did, things just wouldn’t go right? I know that in my life when I try to do everything with my own strength alone it does not turn out well. When you are heavy-laden it is like your spirit, mind, will, and emotions can’t function because there is this weight on you that you try to lift by yourself. It causes you to feel down, depressed, anxious, all those negative things that we do not want in life.It is sad that sometimes in life we are so overwhelmed with major burdens the simplest of things can get us down.  

Then add to all of this the challenges I face daily with my Parkinson disease and the frustration that comes as the disease changes from day to day and sometimes from hour to hour. Sometimes I walk well and sometimes I stumble. Sometime I talk well and sometime I stutter. Sometimes my arms shake sometimes they will not type on the keyboard and then there are times they work the way I want them to work.

Krishna

The thing that frustrates me is watching the disease take away Ron's energy. I used to watch him run from project to project and never run out of energy, now he gets tired easily and once simple projects are now monumental tasks. Someday's, just bringing in firewood requires a nap and his weekend chore list goes unfinished for weeks at a time.

Ron & Krishna


Then comes the realization that WE are not in charge. The biggest thing that we understand is that even though we have been given this challenge, we still have the opportunity to bless others and bring glory to the God that we love so much.  A God that lovingly blesses us each and everyday. So tonight, we would like to announce our way to honor HIM this holiday season and bless others who are fighting a battle with Parkinson's disease.

We have teamed up with UCSF and the National Parkinson's Foundation and will be bringing the first EVER Parkinson's Foundation Forum to Tuolumne County. " And it Shall be for all people."

                                     

AND

Peaceful Journey

The Ronald & Krishna Hamilton Parkinson’s Foundation

​

​Invite you to attend a

Parkinson’s Disease Forum

Speaker:Aaron Daley, MA

UCSF Parkinson’s Disease Clinic and Research Center

                                       A Parkinson’s Foundation Center of Excellence

This program will include a PowerPoint presentation on aspects of Parkinson’s disease and its treatments, followed by an extended Q&A.

Parkinson’s patients, caregivers, family, friends are all welcome to attend.  Community agencies and representatives from the Parkinson Foundation will also be present.

Free Lunch will be provided.  

Friday, January 25, 2019    11:00-3:00 pm

SIERRA BIBLE CHURCH 

Sonora, CA

Please contact Krishna Hamilton (krishnaron@comcast.net) or 206-3071 to RSVP for this event.

Lets ALL make this journey together. If you know someone with Parkinson's or a Parkinson's Care Giver or even if you or someone you know would like to learn more please join us. I know I would love to see you there. It helps me have hope knowing I have people in my corner. It helps to know that friends and family are carrying us and holding us as we make "My Journey."

Keep It Between The Lines

When I was a kid my Dad would take us grocery shopping at night after work. Many times we would take the back way to Safeway, but on many special occasions we would make the adventure up the long winding Shaw's Flat road to Roy's Easy Market. Roy's was a special place because there were so many great memories waiting in the store.

We would park in the dimly lite parking lot and make our way though the heavy creaking double doors. When you walked into the store there were great smells of chicken cooking in the rotisserie, sausage being made and sawdust on the floor. My cousin Jimmy worked in the meat department and I always wanted to ask him why they had sawdust on the floor and why they never cleaned it up.

 We would order our meat and chat with Jimmy. More often then not Jimmy would hand me a cold hot dog to munch on while we were shopping. When we were ready to check out Dad would let me buy a candy or soda pop for the long trip home.

The ride down Shaw's Flat Road at night could be a scary one as we never knew if we would see a deer , skunk or even an old porcupine. Some nights when we round the bend by the old cattle corral Dad would turn off the truck and we would coast down the road with no sound, no engine running, no sounds of a truck at all. We would roll down our windows and watch the dark road in his headlights and hang our arms out the window like we were flying.

We were undercover cops looking for bad guys, wild adventurers looking for wild animals and bad guys hiding from the law. Our imagination ran free and there was not car phone or car television to ruin the fun.

As we came to the corner near Golf Links Road Dad would turn the key to on and pop the clutch. BANG! The engine would start and that rusty old truck would carry us over the hill past grandpas ranch and home to Mom for dinner.

 There came a day when Dad had me climb up on his lap and he would work the peddles and help me steer the giant wheel that made the tires turn. Then came the big day when Dad would slide to the passenger seat and I was allowed to take the truck for myself. I can still hear his voice as he gave me directions.

He would say " Now son watch the road all the way out where the lights are shining not just where the hood of the truck is. Remember the button on the floor control's the lights. Be slower then the limit and just keep it between the lines." That was a lot to remember for a kid but Dad was right there and I knew he would keep me safe and keep me from straying off the road.

Today, my life is like those early days of driving that old pick up. As I grew God was steering my life but like most kids I eventually took over the wheel and then the pedals that controlled the gas and brakes. I found out fast that when I tried to run it myself I ended up in many accidents.

Then along came marriage, kids and Parkinson's Disease. My days are filled with decisions, weak legs, low energy and the challenges that a disease can present to a man like me. At first on my real bad days I hand the keys to God and said you drive my arms are weak my spirit is low and I am tired.

As Parkinson's takes more control of my body it has not taken control of my mind or spirit. Some days I let God drive and I roll down the window and feel the wind blowing as we quietly float down the road. Other days I sit on Gods lap and he lets me share the wheel and when I am real lucky he sits in the seat next to me and I drive.

God of course is always in control and giving his fatherly advice.The road may be dark and scary and there might be things hiding in the dark but God reminds me to not look to far ahead of me but to focus on all that is in my view, to never run through life to fast and to always keep it between the lines. With God along for the ride I know that I have an  amazing life ahead and that he will carry me on "My Journey."


Cause it's a long, narrow road
Only the good Lord knows
Where it leads in the end
But you got to begin
So keep your hands on the wheel
Believe in the things that are real
Just take your time
And keep it between the lines

I WAITED

  

                                                Husbands love your wife 
                                                                         Ephesians 5:25 


Editors Note: My sweet wife is out of state this week and I just wanted to write down what I was thinking. I questioned if it was to personal to share but realized my life is one big share. So here it is. 


I waited when the alarm went off for you to nudge me to turn it off. The nudge did not come. Two times I pushed snooze but still no nudge. Instead, just a blaring radio on a hot summer day.

I waited for you to stir quietly from your sleep. Stretch, yawn and kiss my cheek on the way to your shower. To run your fingers up my arm like little kisses from your sweet mouth. I waited for you to open those beautiful eyes so I could look into them and find love and compassion.  There was no tossing of the blankets. No kiss. No morning hug.

I waited to hear you grind the coffee for your morning dose of energy. I listened for the water to fill the coffee pot, and the smell of your flavor of the day. I heard nothing. Smelled nothing.

I waited to hear the shower come on and for you drop the bottle of shampoo on the floor. Its funny the things I wait for to know that your moving through your morning routine and that you are alright. The water never came on. The shampoo bottle sat safe in its spot on the shelf.

I waited for you to come into the bed room with your cup of coffee and sit on the end of the bed to dry your hair. I waited for the hair dryer as my cue to slide to the end of the bed and curl around you so you could lean against me and we could share that peaceful moment. I would pray for your day as I watched you get ready for your day. I still prayed for you but they were words only God and I would hear.

I waited for you to come into the room and turn on the sink water and burn me as I took my shower and then you would leave and turn off the light forgetting I needed it to see. Instead, I stood there in the running water missing you. Even with the light on it still felt dark.

I waited for your text throughout the day. The morning one that simply says "I HEART U", the noon one that says "Take your meds" and the 3:00 one that says your getting Faith at school. Instead, I was left to remember these things for myself.

I waited for you at the dinner table. I wanted to hear about your day and hear the stories of the silly things you may have done or said at work. Instead, I turned the TV on and watched nothing. I hate the feeling of nothing.

I waited to hold your hand and kiss your soft lips. I wanted to feel your body with mine and hold the edge of your night shirt as I fell asleep. It brings me peace and comfort and reminds me that the world is good and whole and kind. In the moon light I could see nothing but an empty pillow.

I waited in the middle of the night for you to come find me wondering the house in sleepless pain. I waited for you to softly ask if I am alright and if I need anything. Instead, I wondered alone with no whispers in the dark just the thoughts of life and you in my head. Even when I am troubled my thoughts are of you and they bring me comfort.

I waited so long for you that when you are gone I am hopeless. I am only a shell of myself. I am not even half of us because you make up so much more then half. You are the better portion of my life, our marriage and you make me a better man.

I waited for God to bring you to me and now I will wait until he brings you back. Then I will be complete. Then I will have peace and then I can continue "My Journey".

John 16:32

I often wonder if those who read these blogs think to themselves 'He often repeats himself", I mean there are thoughts that I have and I wonder if I have ever written them before. However, tonight as I sit here I am confused at what makes people read my blog. I wonder what makes people tick and I wonder why me?

Not in the way you may think. I mean I know that many read this to support me and for that I am forever grateful and cherish the fact that you care so much that you follow this journey. I also know that your love makes me tick. Your reading this blog keeps me focused even though the posts are few and far between lately.

My days are messy. I try to do yard work and I last for 10 -20 minutes and I am beat up and exhausted. My lawn is basically dead. Even moving a sprinkler wears my arms out. I make a list in my mind and I go over it and over it but then my body has different plans and I stumble along and complete very little.

How am I supposed to get firewood ready for winter? How am I suppose to mow what lawn I have left? How am I supposed to fold laundry? So much to do but my arms, legs and body says no way.

Frustrating.

Nights are just as bad. I cant sleep. My aching arms keep up. Leg cramps are a constant enemy. I even got one in my lip the other day. I walk the yard, the front porch, the hallway. I watch the stars, I feel the breeze on my face and I hear the silence of the darkness around me.

I watch Kris sleep.

I said a prayer for you and I said one of my own.

So the ultimate question...Why me? That one is easy. Because God loves me. God knew I was going to get Parkinson's disease and he loved me so much he gave me you. YOU! He gave me Kris, Emily, Danny, and Faith.

AND FAITH!

Faith that believes he put me in a community that loves and protects me and allows me to serve them in whatever way I still can.

We are all going somewhere and God is with us.

"I am not alone because my father is with me."

John 16:32

We all need to decide how we are traveling and where we are going. For me, I am fortunate to know that I travel a road that is not one I travel alone. I travel a road that goes in many directions and I can get anywhere from here.

So if you are like me and you are fighting a battle take comfort and know that God with you and he loves you very much. So do I! He carries us and he makes our lives easier and at the end of the day rest will come.

Tomorrow I will awake. My rest will be little and my body may be tired but my heart will be strong and my mind will be clear. And my spirit? My spirit will carry me as I make "My Journey".

TESTIFY TO LOVE

We all have obstacles we must overcome in life. For some, they start when we are young and confront us all of our lives. For others of us the obstacle may change as we age and different obstacles will present themselves. No matter what that obstacle is, it is our own personal challenge and no one else can truly understand our struggle because for some our obstacle is not their obstacle.

I remember one such obstacle that I thought I would never beat. I was in the sixth grade and each day for PE we had to run the J. We knew it was coming right after the second set of jumping jacks but still when we were told to run it was like we were heading into battle for the first time. 

What is the J? The J is a simple hill, then a flat area and then a great downhill run. Sounds simple huh? Well that fist climb was my challenge. I would get part way and then poop out. In seventh grade I would run most the way and then let others pass me. It was like I was saying "ok you beat me and I will never overcome." 

We travel through life like this don't we? I mean we find something that is hard and when we finally have a chance to post victory we  will sometimes sabotage ourselves and let defeat take over. The weird thing is we let stupid little things things defeat us and control us and then a big challenge comes a long I mean a real life challenge and we fight to no end to overcome.

Take for example this blog. It has literally taken me several days to type this short message. Why? Well Parkinson's can act in frustrating ways. Lately my arms have felt like weak limbs hanging by my side. My right arm has especially given me trouble and controlling my fingers is difficult. It is like I have a dead weight on my body that aches and does not want to mind what my brain is saying. My brain tells my fingers what to do and my fingers look at me like I have lost my mind. Its as if they do not want to work.

So the solution could be to get a voice to text program but I don't write that way. You see when I tell you a story I hear it in my mind in a different voice. My voice sounds like an old woman's voice and I don't find it comforting. Plus, I write better when I listen to music and if I am talking I would not be listening. Kinda like a man huh!

So some may ask "Why do you blog if its so much trouble?" Well first of all it helps clear my mind, it allows me to tell my story, it helps me relax and it allows me to testify to you that no matter how bad life gets God is here to love me. 

There was a show on television years ago called Touched by an Angel and in an episode Wynnona Judd sang a song called Testify to Love. The song reminds me that no matter who I am or what I am facing I can still somehow communicate. I can testify to Gods love here in my life. Everyday. 

Sure I could give up sit in the recliner and say forget about it. I thought about doing that several times this week. But let me ask you...What would that prove.? Who would win? It would prove nothing and I am the loser because then the disease wins. Love loses. 

Every word of every story
Every star in every sky
Every corner of creation
Lives to testify

Look around me. I am so blessed by love that I have no choice but to battle because so many are battling for me. With me. This last week my wife took me to a Boxing Class. YUP BOXING. Jared Moss has started a boxing class and his focus is to help those with Parkinson's by working on mind, body and spirit. I did squats, hit a bag and lifted weights. Was it hard? ABSOLUTELY! Did it hurt? FOR DAYS AFTERWARDS! But it felt great!

I am the Pounding Portigue! After just one class I can beat anyone. That is if my right arm will listen and my aching legs will carry me to the battle. The truth is that no matter how much Parkinson's challenges me no matter what obstacles it throws my way I have love helping me Counter Punch the disease. I have family, friends and God loving me so much they are finding solutions. I am running the race. And I am winning.

For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silence 
Says the words are not enough
With every breath I take 
We'll give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love

From the mountains to the valleys
From the rivers to the sea
Every hand that reaches out
Every hand that reaches out to offer peace

Every sinful act of mercy
Every step to kingdom come
All the hope in every heart 
Will see what love has done

That J that once beat me was one day beaten. One day, I took off running and did not look back. I finished first. I beat my mountain and I will beat this one. Each day there will be obstacles and each day God will show me love in those who are here to help me beat the odds. Each day I will overcome and I will learn to walk so that I can run. Then and only then can I continue "My Journey."

Watch out Sugar Ray and Rocky Balboa I am on fire. 

The Hero In You

Just a little something on my mind tonight. I know I have been away for a while but sometimes health can hold you back a little. My hands are not working well these days so typing is a major challenge. So is rest. I have missed this and to be honest this message is way different then most I have written. I know many of my blogs are stories but tonight just something that is zooming through my mind has me sitting here typing. I have missed it so much. 

I want to thank all of you who read this Blog and I promise that starting next week there will be a series of Blogs that will bring you face to face with me and other Parkinson's friends.Stories, information and facts. Mostly the chance for me to reconnect with you and I hope you will come along for the ride. 


We all have it in us but to often we are afraid to take a chance. We are afraid to stumble, look stupid, make a mistake or step out of our comfort zone. We see things we want to change, we see things we want to try and we think of things we want to do but there is too often that voice that says don't do it. Don't blow it.

That my friends is the little voice of evil stopping you from helping others. That is the negative voice that wants to hold you back the voice that wants to keep you from helping your brothers and sister or it is the voice that is trying to hold you back from greatness.

People Need you to stand up and take a chance.

All the lonely people cryin'
It could change if we just get started
Light the darkness, light a fire
For the silent and the broken hearted

When I was a small child I would dream of things I could do that would be cool to help my community, my family and my friends. I never did because I was afraid I would look dumb and later I realized how much I could have helped someone if I had just tried. I remember the first fundraiser I did way back in the 1980's. I planned and organized for a whole month. My goal was to raise thousands of dollars for a dear friend. I was sure bummed when I only raised $1000.00. But then Mr Southard reminded me that it was a whole $1000.00 that my friend did not have to start with. He also reminded me that I did it. I made it happen. 

There's a comfort
There's healing
High above the pain and sorrow
Change is coming
Can you feel it?
Calling us into a new tomorrow

It was a fire that started in me to do more. I felt I had to because so many for so long had done so much for my family. I look at this community and I watch and see so many doing so many great things for other people. There are senior projects to raise money for cancer research., Alzheimer and Parkinson's. 

There are high school kids working a Saturday morning at Luc's Run to raise money to support those who have given the greatest sacrifice. I see the Kiwanis, Rotary and Families giving scholarships. I see people giving blood and I see kids giving time to help Horses Heal, FOAC and so much more. 
They are giving hope. Taking dinner to a neighbor. Mowing a friends lawn and clearing brush for an elderly couple. 

When the walls fall all around you
When your hope has turned to dust
Let the sound of love surround you
Beat like a heart in each of us

Reminds of Gideon. Remember him? Well let me recap the story according to my version.

The story of Gideon starts out with God not being very happy with his people, the Israelite's.  If you remember the Israelite's were the ones God saved from Pharaoh.  The people Moses led across the Red Sea on dry ground.  Hundreds of years had passed since then but throughout all of God's miracles they had experienced, they still did evil in the eyes of the Lord.

There were consequences for these actions.  That means that when they did something wrong God didn't bless them but gave them into the hands of the Midianite's.

The Midianites weren't their friends.  They took or ruined all their crops and animals.  The Israelties had to hide from them in caves.

After Israel had nothing left they finally cried out to God for help.  God heard their cry (like he always does) and had a plan.

The cool thing about all this is that God wasn't happy with the Israelites but He still listened to them and answered their prayer! 

This is where Gideon comes into the story.  He was threshing wheat in a hidden place so that the Midianites wouldn't see him and steal the wheat, when an angel of the Lord came and sat next to him.

The angel spoke to him and said, "The Lord is with you, mighty warrior." Gideon was like "you cant be talking to me I am a coward even my family thinks I am a coward. 

"But sir,"  Gideon replied, "if the Lord is with us why is all this bad stuff happening?  Where are all the miracles our fathers (the people that crossed the Red Sea) told us about?"

The Lord replied to Gideon, "Go with all your strength and save Israel from the Midianites.  I am sending you to do it."

Then Gideon started all the excuses. "But Lord, how can I save Israel?  My people are the weakest in Manasseh and I am the smallest and the youngest in my family."

I think God probably smiled here, but He said "I will be with you, and you will defeat all the Midianites together." Then Gideon asked God  So God sent three different signs and Gideon said ok lets do this.

So Gideon gathered up an army and started out for the Midianite camp.  Gideon was probably feeling pretty good about things.  He had lots of men to help him fight and God promised he would help them win.

God had something a little different in mind.  He told Gideon he had too many men in his army. He knew that Israel would think they defeated the Midianites on their own without God's help.

So God said to Gideon, "Announce to the people, 'Anyone whose afraid may go home now'."  Amazingly twenty-two thousand of the men left!  That's a lot of people!  More than half of the whole army went home.  Only ten thousand stayed.

Gideon still felt alright.  At least they had ten thousand men, right?  Not for long.  The Lord told Gideon he still had too many men. When they went down to the water for a drink the Lord told him, "Separate the men that drink the water like a dog and the ones that get on their knees and drink from their cupped  hands."

I'm thinking this took quite a while with all those men but Gideon did it.  It's surprising, but only three hundred men got on their knees and drank from their hands.  All the rest looked silly drinking like dogs!

God told Gideon that he only wanted the three hundred men and the rest were supposed to go home.  This way when they won, the Israelites would know that God was in control with only three hundred men left.  There were 130,000 Midianites against just three hundred of them so he worried and wasn't getting any sleep.  So, God decided to help Gideon and make him feel better about things.

During the night the Lord spoke to Gideon and told him what to do. Long story short he won.

Next time you're in a tough situation know that God can give you strength and he wants to help you.  Just ask and He will!

So that is it. Life is not about how much money you make it is about the relationships we make. The love we share. The people we bless. The love we share. I watch it all and it motivates me to do more for others as I make "My Journey."

Knee Deep In A River But Not Drowning

Imagine for one moment that you are Job. For those who do not know Job let me give you the Cliff notes.

Job is a wealthy man living in a land called Uz with his large family and extensive flocks. He is “blameless” and “upright,” always careful to avoid doing evil (1:1). One day, Satan (“the Adversary”) appears before God in heaven. God boasts to Satan about Job’s goodness, but Satan argues that Job is only good because God has blessed him abundantly. Satan challenges God that, if given permission to punish the man, Job will turn and curse God. God allows Satan to torment Job to test this bold claim, but he forbids Satan to take Job’s life in the process. 

In the course of one day, Job receives four messages, each bearing separate news that his livestock, servants, and ten children have all died due to marauding invaders or natural catastrophes. Job tears his clothes and shaves his head in mourning, but he still blesses God in his prayers. Satan appears in heaven again, and God grants him another chance to test Job. This time, Job is afflicted with horrible skin sores. His wife encourages him to curse God and to give up and die, but Job refuses, struggling to accept his circumstances.

Sounds like a pretty bad day. Well it was. So, Imagine for a moment that you are Job. Today was a rotten day. The dish washer stopped working, the dog bite the mailman and well you mixed the red shirts with the white underwear and the guys at the gym thought it was hilarious. Maybe this is an exaggeration and funny but people have days like this.

People have even worse days then this.

If you are new to this blog let me start by saying I have Parkinson's Disease and there are days that absolutely are terrible. People with this disease all struggle in different ways and each day is different. A few months ago my life was completely different then it was today and I am sure in three months it will be different again.

There were times I wondered if I would have to retire young. My arms trembled all day every day and the pain was immense. My memory was failing badly.  I stumbled, I fell and I stuttered. I could not sleep. I could not eat. I lost 50 pounds. My singing voice was horrible. Wait It already was horrible.

Then a few months ago I went to UCSF and met a new doctor and he changed things for me. Instead of taking medication every 6 hours I now take medication at 7 am, noon and 3 pm. The focus is to get me through the work day as strong and clear of memory as possible. I am glad to say that has helped.

However, 3:00 pm is a long way until 7:00 am therefore I struggle at night. It starts around 9:00 and continues into the morning until my 7:00 dose hits me. So my nights suck. There is no other way to nicely describe it. I hurt, I shake, my muscles ache, I can't sleep and to write in this blog is very difficult due to hand pain and muscle stiffness.

When I do sleep the dreams are horrible and at times I am fighting with someone as I sleep and I have actually punched my wife in my sleep. Some Parkinson's sufferers have had to move their spouse to a new bed because the night time hitting is common. Kris went into the Victim protection plan.

I have gained some weight back but the nausea and gagging I go through each day is yucky. My arms hurt and my legs tremble. Doing everyday chores is very challenging. Just trying to mow my yard leaves me in horrible pain. Therefore there are things that I have not gotten done. YET!

The bible says:

FAITH! It Does not make things easy it makes them possible.
Luke 1:37

I could complain and yell and cry and be angry. Not once have I considered it. WHY? There are so many that have it so much worse. There are those fighting cancer, those who have sick babies and men saying a final goodbye to their spouse. Life is tough for everyone we all have our challenges.

God allows me to be a voice for those with Parkinson's. God knows I have the disease and every night as I walk the halls of this old house he walks with me and he carries me. He gives me strength. More importantly he gives me a wife that is a true love and she brings me so much peace and comfort.

Just as important I have friends like all of you. Some bring me dinner which is so incredible. Some help with things around the house and some even go as far as helping me with my chores at my parents house. That is God working in my life.


When You Go Through Deep Waters, I Will Be With You
Isaiah 43:2

Yes I am worn but God is here and he carries me and someday the struggle will end. The nights will no longer be bad and all that is bad will be gone. God comes  in many forms and when I am swimming upstream in a flood and current that I cannot overcome God is there. Kris is there. You, my friends are there. You are my life jackets and my lifeguards. Late at night you are the light house that guides me back to shore. When the Seas are rough and the waves crash you find me and you carry me so that I can continue "My Journey".

Then like a hero who takes the stage when
We’re on the edge of our seats saying it’s too late
Well let me introduce you to amazing grace

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless
No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

Mercy Me

Coming Out Of The Dark

I know this blog is about Parkinson's disease but sometimes I just feel like telling a story from my past. I hope I do not bore you. 


I was not yet 6 years old and to me the hole in the side of the mountain looked dark, strange and scary. There were train tracks going into the hole but instead of a train the tracks held a little metal cardboard box with wheels. Grandpa put a metal mixing bowl on his head and said we were going to go into the hole he called a mine. In one hand he had a light and he took my small hand in his large rough hand.

As we made our way into the opening of the mine I stumbled along, sometimes tripping over the train tracks and other times tripping over my own foot. Grandpa slowed his pace so I could keep up with his stride. He was a man of few words but as we made our way through the dark he would tell me about the rocks and the gold he was looking to find in the walls of the mine.

It was dark and the air was cold against my face. The air smelled like iron or rust and somewhere I could hear water dripping. Grandpa turned his light off so I could see the dark. I thought that was strange because I could not see anything in the dark  so I never really got to see the dark. I thought maybe I could see it better once he turned the light back on but he told me the dark disappeared when the light was on. Once he coughed I jumped out of my skin thinking there was a bear in the mine.

When we finally made it way back into the mountain grandpa showed me all the wonderful rocks that had gold in them. He said he had to blast and hammer to get the gold because sometimes you cannot always see it hiding in the rocks. He said that it took a lot of hard work in the dark mine but he enjoyed the work and sometimes he found great treasures in that dark room in the side of a mountain.

Tonight, I wander the dark halls of the house there is a  disease that moves through my body keeping me forever awake and frustrated. As I move down the halls I bump into walls and stumble over my own feet. I hear the sound of the dish washer, fireplace and Kris sleeping peacefully in the other room. There are times that no matter how much light there is I only see darkness. No matter how I reach out I can't find grandpas hand anywhere.

You see grandpa left us one cold December day. But now that I am older there is so much wisdom in his words. I wonder if he meant for me to find the messages I did or if I am over thinking what his simple words in a dark mine meant so many years ago. In that dark mine we looked for treasures and answers to the mysteries that were hidden there.

 Now as I stand in a dark hallway I look at the wall and ask God for the answers to my questions. Some may wonder if God is with them on dark nights like this and if he has the answers they are looking for to all their questions.

Here is the real treasure.....God is there with you. The bible says:

God made two great lights--the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.

Genesis 1:16


So matter how dark our days or our nights are God is the light. HE is the hope and he is the treasure that so many people seem to think is hidden somewhere and cannot be found. But he is easily found anytime. Anywhere. He can turn on a light and the dark will be gone.

God takes my heart where it wants to go. In the dark of night he is there and easy to find all we have to do is call him. He is there and he loves us. The chains of life do not need to control us. The weight of a disease or stress can be broken by his love. All we have to do is call him. He is there.

Sometimes I see a hole in a hill or in the side of a mountain and I stop for a moment to look at the darkness. I can see the cool air, and smell the the iron rich ore as the water drips from the ceiling. Then in the back of the mine I hear a cough and wonder if its a bear. Then I realize that he is not really gone. For his wisdom and his words live in my memory and they carry me as I make "My Journey." 

Do All Deeds With Love

Photo By: R Hamilton

As the winter snow would turn to spring rain it was a busy time at my grandparents little ranch. There were baby lambs being born, a calf that seemed to suddenly appear over night and the eggs in the hen house would not be collected for a while as this time of year they would be allowed to hatch with chicks that in the fall would become meat for a great winter soup.

Grandpa would spend hours with the rototiller in the garden and then he formed rows with small ditches for the water. Tomatoes, squash, cucumbers, peas and string beans to name a few of the great vegetables he would grow in what seemed to be the biggest garden ever planted. Out in the front of the house he would plant strawberries.

During the long hot summer grandpa would sit and run the hose down those little rows so that his crop would grow. I remember watching him bent over for hours pulling weeds, chasing gophers and now and then he would wave off a bird or two. Under his ever watchful eye tomato worms were collected, grasshoppers were killed and the ever pesky moles were trapped.

We kids would run around him waiting for a prize to be handed out for us to enjoy. He would give us small tomatoes to plop in our mouths, peas to strip from their pods to eat raw and sometimes a piece of corn sweet on the cob.  I can still taste the sweet strawberries from grandpas front fruit patch. They were big, red and full of wonderful juice.

As summer turned to fall the garden would slowly be put into jars and put in the basement under the house. The walls of the basement were made of dirt and there were shelves with little jars of jams everywhere. I can still remember going to the berry patches with my grandma on my birthday and picking blackberries and then spending the next day canning them for the upcoming winter.

Like the seasons in the garden life changes and all to soon grandpa and then grandma were gone. Soon it was my Dad with a garden and my kids were helping Papa plant his tomatoes and peas. They pick basil, squash and green beans. A new generation creates their memories. My brother plants his prize vegetables with his grand kids and the circle continues.

The bible says:

 Let all that you do be done in love.

1 Corinthians 16:14

I am horrible at gardening, It takes a person that is patient and has a bit of a green thumb. I stand there and wonder why in the world it is taking so long for the vegetable to grow. I forget to water and the weeds take over. Eventually, I go to my dads garden and pick a tomato and find victory.

In my struggle with Parkinson's I have found that life is a lot like grandpas garden. Some days, the ground is soft and easy to plow. The seeds grow perfectly and the fruit is sweet on the vine. Other days there are big weeds, hot weather and set backs. 

Someday's my body aches. Someday's I stumble. Someday's I have endless pain nightmares and like yesterday sleepless nights that seem to never end. I lay in bed and wonder when the sun will come up and realize that with the sun light there is a new day with new challenges and new struggles.

With that sunrise also comes a day that will also hold many victories. I might stumble but I get up. I might have nightmares but I can also have wonderful dreams about Kris and the kids. When the sun comes up I am reminded that God was wide awake with me.

I may not be able to plant a garden of tomatoes and peas but God has given me the ability to work towards a harvest. Instead,I can serve others by cooking for them. I can serve others by writing about a disease that silently attacks people and is not always seen by others. I can serve others with prayer and love. 

There is a song that says:

As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?

You see we do not have to have a plot of land to harvest a crop. You do not have to have Parkinson's to fight a battle and overcome challenges. That is my battle.  Everyone has a challenge they overcome and everyone has a service they can provide. The decision we must make is do we allow obstacles stop us or do we learn and grow from them. 

Tonight, I will sleep very little. I may have nightmares, leg cramps, pain trembling and frustration. However, As I struggle through the darkness God will be with me. He will water his garden. He will produce sweet fruit on the vine  and he will move with me through the days and nights and into each new season and together we will make "My Journey".

Tonight's Song

Worn

Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn