Knee Deep In A River But Not Drowning

Imagine for one moment that you are Job. For those who do not know Job let me give you the Cliff notes.

Job is a wealthy man living in a land called Uz with his large family and extensive flocks. He is “blameless” and “upright,” always careful to avoid doing evil (1:1). One day, Satan (“the Adversary”) appears before God in heaven. God boasts to Satan about Job’s goodness, but Satan argues that Job is only good because God has blessed him abundantly. Satan challenges God that, if given permission to punish the man, Job will turn and curse God. God allows Satan to torment Job to test this bold claim, but he forbids Satan to take Job’s life in the process. 

In the course of one day, Job receives four messages, each bearing separate news that his livestock, servants, and ten children have all died due to marauding invaders or natural catastrophes. Job tears his clothes and shaves his head in mourning, but he still blesses God in his prayers. Satan appears in heaven again, and God grants him another chance to test Job. This time, Job is afflicted with horrible skin sores. His wife encourages him to curse God and to give up and die, but Job refuses, struggling to accept his circumstances.

Sounds like a pretty bad day. Well it was. So, Imagine for a moment that you are Job. Today was a rotten day. The dish washer stopped working, the dog bite the mailman and well you mixed the red shirts with the white underwear and the guys at the gym thought it was hilarious. Maybe this is an exaggeration and funny but people have days like this.

People have even worse days then this.

If you are new to this blog let me start by saying I have Parkinson's Disease and there are days that absolutely are terrible. People with this disease all struggle in different ways and each day is different. A few months ago my life was completely different then it was today and I am sure in three months it will be different again.

There were times I wondered if I would have to retire young. My arms trembled all day every day and the pain was immense. My memory was failing badly.  I stumbled, I fell and I stuttered. I could not sleep. I could not eat. I lost 50 pounds. My singing voice was horrible. Wait It already was horrible.

Then a few months ago I went to UCSF and met a new doctor and he changed things for me. Instead of taking medication every 6 hours I now take medication at 7 am, noon and 3 pm. The focus is to get me through the work day as strong and clear of memory as possible. I am glad to say that has helped.

However, 3:00 pm is a long way until 7:00 am therefore I struggle at night. It starts around 9:00 and continues into the morning until my 7:00 dose hits me. So my nights suck. There is no other way to nicely describe it. I hurt, I shake, my muscles ache, I can't sleep and to write in this blog is very difficult due to hand pain and muscle stiffness.

When I do sleep the dreams are horrible and at times I am fighting with someone as I sleep and I have actually punched my wife in my sleep. Some Parkinson's sufferers have had to move their spouse to a new bed because the night time hitting is common. Kris went into the Victim protection plan.

I have gained some weight back but the nausea and gagging I go through each day is yucky. My arms hurt and my legs tremble. Doing everyday chores is very challenging. Just trying to mow my yard leaves me in horrible pain. Therefore there are things that I have not gotten done. YET!

The bible says:

FAITH! It Does not make things easy it makes them possible.
Luke 1:37

I could complain and yell and cry and be angry. Not once have I considered it. WHY? There are so many that have it so much worse. There are those fighting cancer, those who have sick babies and men saying a final goodbye to their spouse. Life is tough for everyone we all have our challenges.

God allows me to be a voice for those with Parkinson's. God knows I have the disease and every night as I walk the halls of this old house he walks with me and he carries me. He gives me strength. More importantly he gives me a wife that is a true love and she brings me so much peace and comfort.

Just as important I have friends like all of you. Some bring me dinner which is so incredible. Some help with things around the house and some even go as far as helping me with my chores at my parents house. That is God working in my life.


When You Go Through Deep Waters, I Will Be With You
Isaiah 43:2

Yes I am worn but God is here and he carries me and someday the struggle will end. The nights will no longer be bad and all that is bad will be gone. God comes  in many forms and when I am swimming upstream in a flood and current that I cannot overcome God is there. Kris is there. You, my friends are there. You are my life jackets and my lifeguards. Late at night you are the light house that guides me back to shore. When the Seas are rough and the waves crash you find me and you carry me so that I can continue "My Journey".

Then like a hero who takes the stage when
We’re on the edge of our seats saying it’s too late
Well let me introduce you to amazing grace

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless
No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

Mercy Me

Coming Out Of The Dark

I know this blog is about Parkinson's disease but sometimes I just feel like telling a story from my past. I hope I do not bore you. 


I was not yet 6 years old and to me the hole in the side of the mountain looked dark, strange and scary. There were train tracks going into the hole but instead of a train the tracks held a little metal cardboard box with wheels. Grandpa put a metal mixing bowl on his head and said we were going to go into the hole he called a mine. In one hand he had a light and he took my small hand in his large rough hand.

As we made our way into the opening of the mine I stumbled along, sometimes tripping over the train tracks and other times tripping over my own foot. Grandpa slowed his pace so I could keep up with his stride. He was a man of few words but as we made our way through the dark he would tell me about the rocks and the gold he was looking to find in the walls of the mine.

It was dark and the air was cold against my face. The air smelled like iron or rust and somewhere I could hear water dripping. Grandpa turned his light off so I could see the dark. I thought that was strange because I could not see anything in the dark  so I never really got to see the dark. I thought maybe I could see it better once he turned the light back on but he told me the dark disappeared when the light was on. Once he coughed I jumped out of my skin thinking there was a bear in the mine.

When we finally made it way back into the mountain grandpa showed me all the wonderful rocks that had gold in them. He said he had to blast and hammer to get the gold because sometimes you cannot always see it hiding in the rocks. He said that it took a lot of hard work in the dark mine but he enjoyed the work and sometimes he found great treasures in that dark room in the side of a mountain.

Tonight, I wander the dark halls of the house there is a  disease that moves through my body keeping me forever awake and frustrated. As I move down the halls I bump into walls and stumble over my own feet. I hear the sound of the dish washer, fireplace and Kris sleeping peacefully in the other room. There are times that no matter how much light there is I only see darkness. No matter how I reach out I can't find grandpas hand anywhere.

You see grandpa left us one cold December day. But now that I am older there is so much wisdom in his words. I wonder if he meant for me to find the messages I did or if I am over thinking what his simple words in a dark mine meant so many years ago. In that dark mine we looked for treasures and answers to the mysteries that were hidden there.

 Now as I stand in a dark hallway I look at the wall and ask God for the answers to my questions. Some may wonder if God is with them on dark nights like this and if he has the answers they are looking for to all their questions.

Here is the real treasure.....God is there with you. The bible says:

God made two great lights--the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.

Genesis 1:16


So matter how dark our days or our nights are God is the light. HE is the hope and he is the treasure that so many people seem to think is hidden somewhere and cannot be found. But he is easily found anytime. Anywhere. He can turn on a light and the dark will be gone.

God takes my heart where it wants to go. In the dark of night he is there and easy to find all we have to do is call him. He is there and he loves us. The chains of life do not need to control us. The weight of a disease or stress can be broken by his love. All we have to do is call him. He is there.

Sometimes I see a hole in a hill or in the side of a mountain and I stop for a moment to look at the darkness. I can see the cool air, and smell the the iron rich ore as the water drips from the ceiling. Then in the back of the mine I hear a cough and wonder if its a bear. Then I realize that he is not really gone. For his wisdom and his words live in my memory and they carry me as I make "My Journey." 

Do All Deeds With Love

Photo By: R Hamilton

As the winter snow would turn to spring rain it was a busy time at my grandparents little ranch. There were baby lambs being born, a calf that seemed to suddenly appear over night and the eggs in the hen house would not be collected for a while as this time of year they would be allowed to hatch with chicks that in the fall would become meat for a great winter soup.

Grandpa would spend hours with the rototiller in the garden and then he formed rows with small ditches for the water. Tomatoes, squash, cucumbers, peas and string beans to name a few of the great vegetables he would grow in what seemed to be the biggest garden ever planted. Out in the front of the house he would plant strawberries.

During the long hot summer grandpa would sit and run the hose down those little rows so that his crop would grow. I remember watching him bent over for hours pulling weeds, chasing gophers and now and then he would wave off a bird or two. Under his ever watchful eye tomato worms were collected, grasshoppers were killed and the ever pesky moles were trapped.

We kids would run around him waiting for a prize to be handed out for us to enjoy. He would give us small tomatoes to plop in our mouths, peas to strip from their pods to eat raw and sometimes a piece of corn sweet on the cob.  I can still taste the sweet strawberries from grandpas front fruit patch. They were big, red and full of wonderful juice.

As summer turned to fall the garden would slowly be put into jars and put in the basement under the house. The walls of the basement were made of dirt and there were shelves with little jars of jams everywhere. I can still remember going to the berry patches with my grandma on my birthday and picking blackberries and then spending the next day canning them for the upcoming winter.

Like the seasons in the garden life changes and all to soon grandpa and then grandma were gone. Soon it was my Dad with a garden and my kids were helping Papa plant his tomatoes and peas. They pick basil, squash and green beans. A new generation creates their memories. My brother plants his prize vegetables with his grand kids and the circle continues.

The bible says:

 Let all that you do be done in love.

1 Corinthians 16:14

I am horrible at gardening, It takes a person that is patient and has a bit of a green thumb. I stand there and wonder why in the world it is taking so long for the vegetable to grow. I forget to water and the weeds take over. Eventually, I go to my dads garden and pick a tomato and find victory.

In my struggle with Parkinson's I have found that life is a lot like grandpas garden. Some days, the ground is soft and easy to plow. The seeds grow perfectly and the fruit is sweet on the vine. Other days there are big weeds, hot weather and set backs. 

Someday's my body aches. Someday's I stumble. Someday's I have endless pain nightmares and like yesterday sleepless nights that seem to never end. I lay in bed and wonder when the sun will come up and realize that with the sun light there is a new day with new challenges and new struggles.

With that sunrise also comes a day that will also hold many victories. I might stumble but I get up. I might have nightmares but I can also have wonderful dreams about Kris and the kids. When the sun comes up I am reminded that God was wide awake with me.

I may not be able to plant a garden of tomatoes and peas but God has given me the ability to work towards a harvest. Instead,I can serve others by cooking for them. I can serve others by writing about a disease that silently attacks people and is not always seen by others. I can serve others with prayer and love. 

There is a song that says:

As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?

You see we do not have to have a plot of land to harvest a crop. You do not have to have Parkinson's to fight a battle and overcome challenges. That is my battle.  Everyone has a challenge they overcome and everyone has a service they can provide. The decision we must make is do we allow obstacles stop us or do we learn and grow from them. 

Tonight, I will sleep very little. I may have nightmares, leg cramps, pain trembling and frustration. However, As I struggle through the darkness God will be with me. He will water his garden. He will produce sweet fruit on the vine  and he will move with me through the days and nights and into each new season and together we will make "My Journey".

Tonight's Song

Worn

Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn

Food For Thought

Sometimes I get off track and ramble about my life and miss that this blog is supposed to offer information about Parkinson's Disease. So tonight I thought I would talk about diet as I have found that many people, including those with Parkinson's do not realize that your medications can be impacted by the food you eat.

To try and include all the info in one post would be to overwhelming and boring and by all means I believe I am anything but boring. So tonight I will start a series of information about Parkinson's. I am also excited to say that I will be being joined by others fighting this yucky disease and tell you there stories. Over the course of a few weeks I will alternate back and forth between my story and the story of others.

I am a pizza freak and could eat it everyday if I was allowed to do so. However, truth be told most days I do not eat breakfast or lunch. I know that is not  a good plan but I am often really nauseated and food does not sound like something I want to put in my body. Maybe that is why from July to February I lost 50 pounds. The good news is I have gained some back as I am slowly trying to change my eating habits.

I believe that God started man in the Garden of Eden because all of the illness and disease can be cured or at least made better by our diet. Everything in moderation right!

The medication levodopa (Sinemet) is a protein building block so it competes for absorption with other proteins. Eating a very high protein meal reduces the likelihood of effectively absorbing levodopa, so you may want to leave meat, fish and cheese for dinner and eat more carbohydrates and vegetables during the day. Taking medication on an empty stomach -- 30 minutes before or 60 minutes after a meal -- allows the drug to reach the small intestine and absorb faster. However, a carbohydrate snack (crackers, toast, oatmeal) with the medication may be necessary to prevent nausea.

This list of foods to avoid includes:  aged cheeses: aged cheddar or Swiss, blue cheeses, Camembert fermented cabbage: sauerkraut, kimchi, soybean products, including soy sauce, cured, fermented or air-dried meats or fish.

Antioxidants are one of those "good for you" things you hear about all the time. They're molecules that clear out free radicals -- toxic substances formed from stresses like air pollution, sunlight, cigarette smoke and even the process of converting food to energy. Oxidative stress is a biological condition caused by too many free radicals. It's associated with aging and Parkinson's disease, so a diet high in antioxidants may offset oxidative stress and cellular damage.

Antioxidants are present in: vegetables: artichokes, okra, kale, bell peppers, potatoes, fruits: berries, pears, apples, grapes, grains, eggs, legumes: kidney beans, edamame, lentils, nuts: pecans, walnuts, hazelnuts.

Staying hydrated is important, but if drinking water leads to urinary urgency, try eating foods with a high water content in place of beverages, such as celery, butternut squash, grapefruit, strawberries and watermelon.·          

·    Snack on small quantities of walnuts, cashews and other nuts to promote brain health. Also try to incorporate berries, which contain beneficial antioxidants, and foods that may have anti-inflammatory effects in the brain, like salmon, tuna and dark, leafy green vegetables.

Talk to your doctor about the right option for you, such as taking the drug on an empty stomach or with a small snack, such as crackers or applesauce.

·     People with PD may eat less and lose weight because of difficulty swallowing, nausea from medications or movement symptoms that make it difficult to eat. Address these issues, and also consider adding foods with healthy fats — nuts, nut butters and avocado — to your diet. Try bitter greens or spicy foods to stimulate your appetite. Exercise to increase hunger.

·     PD symptoms such as tremor, stiffness or difficulties swallowing may make eating certain foods challenging. Try eating foods that are easy to swallow. Put dishes on rubber mats to prevent them from slipping. Try weighted utensils and cups or using cups with lids or straws.  

      

      I know this is a lot of information and can be a bit boring but it is important to know. Tomorrow I will blog about what a great blessing the community was to our foundation this past weekend. So many great people. So many Great blessings. I love all of you and so does God.                          

·         

Sketched and Planned

I wanted to be a singer when I grew up after all I was in choir and in all the plays and on my best day I could sing like John Denver. I would sing all day and at night my brother would yell at me to shut up and go to sleep. It is still the same way. I sing all day long and late into the night. I put my ear phones on and jam with Mercy Me, Don Williams and Five For Fighting.

As my hearing got worse so did my voice and now with Parkinson's my voice is different each day. Someday's I sound normal and other days I have a raspy voice. I can go from Garth Brooks to Bonnie Tyler in just moments. It is not uncommon for Parkinson patients to have voice and stuttering trouble. Sometimes the trembling of the disease evens attacks the tongue making speaking a challenge.

My verbal challenge is also the stuttering that comes late in the day or when I am tired. Parkinson's will do that to you and can cause trouble in communications on the phone. I had a lady yesterday think I was some crazy man calling because I kept falling over my words. I guess my bucket list of singing a solo will have to wait, until then I will shout it out to the Lord here at home. Well until Kris says to stop singing out loud.

When I was a kid I also wanted to be a baseball player. I have mentioned here before that I would spend hours playing and watching baseball. Jack Clark, Dave Dravecky and Tom Seaver were some of my favorites. I could watch them hit and throw the ball on a hot summer day. Sometimes as I listened to the game I imagined I was at short waiting for a smash up the middle for me to dive for so that I could make a great play.

Talent and a bad body did not allow me to play baseball. Instead I played men's league until my brain surgery and now I will probably never play Yankee stadium. But my bucket list would be that I would pitch one more time time even if its just one inning on a Friday night in Standard.

As I have traveled through this journey I have learned that my plans, as good as I think they are, are not anywhere near as great as the plans that God has for me. The bible says:

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Sound simple really. Look at it this way, I may have had googlie eyes for that cute girl in high school but God's plan was for me to meet Krishna. It was a great plan as she has been an amazing partner, friend and loving wife. I wanted to go to the moon but the Apollo missions stopped and I stayed in Sonora. Great plan as I love this community and my church so much.

The same can be said about the bad things in life. For example, I did not want to have a car accident but it made me a better driver. The same can be said about my health. I may not have planned to get Parkinson's disease but it has been an amazing journey. I have grown in my faith, met wonderful people and learned once again how blessed I am by those that God puts in my life.

Proverbs 19:20 Tells us:

"Many are the plans in a mans heart 
But it is the Lords plan that prevails."

You see God sketched my life long before I was born. Long ago, Jesus died for me on a cross so that I could live a great life. Because of his love I know that these challenges here on earth will one day go away and I will enter a better place because I am forgiven and blessed by his blood and love. We all to often forget that we are not a a journey to God but we are on a journey with God and though our lives may not be what we planned they are what he planned.

If we put our lives in his hands we will find that the journey will be easier. It will not be struggle free but if we hold tight to his love we will find that the lessons we learn from the struggles make us better and make the value of our lives better. I have set up at night in horrible pain, I have been in the hospital recently because of this disease but I know it is a journey that I walk with God and that he is making me better and showing me a purpose in my life that I did not know existed. 

So I wanted to be a singer, I ended up with a horrible voice and I tend to now stutter. I wanted to be a baseball player but I fall down, stumble and my arms are to weak to probably hit a home run. Instead I have Parkinson's disease and somehow I am blessed. 

The trouble you are in is not punishment it is training. 
Hebrews 12:7

So I will use this training to be a new voice for the Ronald M Hamilton Parkinson's Foundation. They need a strong loud stuttering voice to share the Parkinson's story. I will use this broken body to walk beside those who struggle with Parkinson's and bring awareness to a little known disease to make others aware that in this town there are those in need. Those who are fighting pain, loneliness and frustration.

I may not be able to drive one out of the park but I can drive a Parkinson's friend to an appointment. I can carry their story to you and share the needs of your neighbor and my prayer is that you will become a Parkinson's Partner and help those who need a lift. I did not make this plan, God did. But it is my new life my new plan and "My Journey."


 God With Us

MercyMe

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us
What do You see
That's worth looking our way

We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release
From the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us

My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don't deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us

My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us

Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary
Nevertheless we lay it at Your feet
Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary
Nevertheless we lay this at Your feet

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us

My heart sings a brand new song
My debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us

FOR YOU ALONE BE GLORIFIED

Photograph by: Krishna Hamilton
Yes that is me in the upper left!

I dream I am walking in the cold and the sidewalk is icy and very slippery. As I shuffle I slip, stumble and start to fall into the snow that has fallen throughout the night. Just as I think I am going down that hand that is always holding mine tightens its grip and a broken hip is avoided. Thank God for that determined wife of mine that does not let me fall even in the most challenging of times.

"Though they may stumble, they will never fall,
For the Lord upholds them with his hand."
Psalms 37:24

My daily walk is a constant challenge of slipping, stumbling and balance control. I wear out shoes like no one else as I shuffle and wear the bottoms off of my soles. This week as I walked through the snow the ice was sneaking up through the soles of my dress shoes and I feel the cold rush through my body. I could scream about the situation but I laugh instead at the thought of little snow flakes swishing between my toes.

God has even touched this moment.

What a week we have had in my house and what is becoming more and more aware to us is the limitations that this disease has on my physical body. Kris informs the kids that I drop to much firewood on the wood floor so I am no longer to carry it into the house. I explain that I drop the laundry all the time too but she says I still have to wash the laundry.

 My mind wants to run in the snow and watch the world turn white in the frost. So I convince Krishna to take me for a drive in a snow storm so I can take pictures of snow covered mountains, trees, waterfalls and sunsets.

She thinks I am crazy but for 7 hours we laugh, talk, giggle and sing along with the radio. All the while we marvel at God's amazing gift. Through a swirling storm we make our way to the South Fork of the river, back up to Confidence, and down to a look out where I hope to see a magnificent sunset. God does not disappoint. He never does.

There are the deer standing in a frozen field, wild turkeys running in a meadow, and snowing falling off and on through out the day. We make our way to the river and the road is covered deep with snow and ice. Krishna stops and puts the truck in 4 wheel drive and we make our way to the bridge of the South Fork of the river.

The world is silent. There is no sound but water running over rocks, birds calling in the storm and  icy wind blowing up the river canyon. Faith slowly takes picture after picture and I shiver. As cold as I am I feel the warmth of God and of his blessing of a little girl named Faith.

Kris lets me drive 3 whole miles back up the canyon road to the top. Snow is falling heavier and we are excited by the storm that God has provided. There is much to learn about love, hope, blessings and faith when you are traveling in the storm. Any storm.

When Kris takes over we venture up an unknown road and the ride gets a bit scary. The road is less traveled,  narrow with a steep hill and a cliff, we start to slip Kris cries out " I am scared and don't know what to do." Faith and I laugh. We have stared fear in the face and we know that we are safe in the arms of God.

"Narrow is the gate that leads to life"
Matthew 7:14

Soon we come to a spot with no snow but a chance for an amazing sunset. Where I am standing does not seem good enough so I cross the road and slowly make my way up the hill to the top. From my view I see the wonderful community that I love so much. To the west is Sonora and Jamestown and off to the valley below. To the east is the dark billowing clouds and to my left is Tuolumne. From Columbia, to Don Pedro. Sonora to the hills behind me this is  My Town. My Home. A place of peace.

The wind is blowing in my ears and I cannot hear anything but man can I feel the cold. Its 31 degrees and the wind only adds to the chill. I take a few shots but I know there is a reward of beauty if I wait a little longer. So while I shiver I talk to God. My life often feels like a continued repeat of the day I have just experienced. A storm, sunshine, a scary moment, laughter and relief. From sunshine to sunset there are challenges that we must depend on God to help us get through.

From birth to death life is the same way. We have storms and struggles that we must travel through but the journey is made sweeter by laughter, rays of warm sunshine and a little child named Faith. There is a reason she is named Faith and as I stand there I see her far below me taking her own pictures in the cold. She is traveling her journey and her journey is mine as well.

Suddenly, the sun appears and for a fast moment its bright loving light is blinding and warm and glorious. I try to look into it but it is to powerful and strong. Its hold onto the sky is large and it has complete control of how this day will end. It does not disappoint and neither does the God that I serve.

Suddenly, I realize its not dream and Krishna is there and she is holding me up. We are laughing at the near fall and I am lost in her beauty. Only God can make a moment of laughter out of a cold night and only God can send me a special wife that holds me up when I am falling and I surrender to his love and I am blessed with hers. 

Chasing sunsets and Gods beauty wears me out. My arms hurt, my feet are cold and I am in pain. But I have a warming peace in my heart. God invites me to surrender to his way. His dream for me. His plans. So I do and I continue "My Journey."

In My Heart

Billy holding Atina, George, Sherri, Ron and Sean in front. I am quite the winker.

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will also be"

Luke 12:34

There is a song that starts..."Way back in my memory there's a scene that I recall..." Tonight my mind runs down that memory and back to a time that seems just like yesterday. A time in my childhood where life seemed simple, easy and free. A life where we were free to run, jump, and grow. Where we learned from our mistakes.

We lived in a place that seemed far away from the middle of anywhere. My parents had an acre of property that connected to my grandparents ranch and across Golf Links road was endless miles of creek beds, animal trails, wooded hideaways and a beautiful mountain that was all ours to explore. With no video games or cable television. A drink was from a garden hose or from the creek.

We would hit the ground running with the rising sun and go until after the full moon came up from behind our mountain. During the winter the creek ran like a river that was full of water and loud roaring sounds that even I could hear. At night, I would lay in bed after a storm and listen to it roar outside my window. During the day we would watch to see if it would flood and run down our driveway and over the road blocking traffic.

 In the summer we would walk in the creek bed looking for gold, eat black berries and explore.
Our summer prizes were the iron pyrite we collected, crystals and an occasional arrow head. We would run through the woods tracking the coyotes, foxes, deer and mountain lions. We played hide and go seek, climb trees and we would swing on the grape vines in soldier creek.

When we skinned our knees we ran to mom. When we were hungry we ran to mom. When we were scared we ran to Dad. When we needed a friend to play with there was a brother or sister always ready for an adventure. There were geese over head in spring and fall and wildflowers under our feet in the summer.

Like the changing season life changed and we grew and we scattered like autumn leaves. Two are mommies and four are daddies. Believe it or not 3 are grandparents. Some of us moved far away and some are still here. I miss those days and I miss those kids.

Recently, I walked hand in hand with Kris on some of those old trails. The creek was gurgling and it just was not a rushing river like it was those winters long ago. The berry bushes are still there and a bit overgrown. I could not help but look for gold and arrow heads. My reward was a beautiful crystal that I some how had not found all those years ago. 

As we walked my step was slower and I struggled to make way through the woods. The boulders that we used to hide behind did not seem so big but the mountain still stood tall and strong. I listened to the sounds of animals, watched the clouds roll overhead and felt the wind on my face. I could feel my past and I could feel blessings in my life.

These days I can't swing on grapevines and I have a hard time running through the fields, cow pasture and I don't climb the big oak trees. However, I can still appreciate what God has given me. The path I follow is a little straight then those I used to run on because my Parkinson's does not allow me to run through those woods at a top rate speed.

I can still have adventures in my life. The bible tells us:

"Seek God's will in all you do and He will direct your path." 
Proverbs 3:6

So as I travel this journey it is good to know that even with a disease that causes me to have stiff muscles, difficulty standing, difficulty walking, difficulty with bodily movements, involuntary movements, muscle rigidity, problems with coordination, rhythmic muscle contractions, slow bodily movement, or slow shuffling gait God holds me up and helps me take those walks through my day and the journey that he has planned for me.

As Kris and I walk out of the woods and through the meadow towards the house that was my childhood home I take a peek back at the trees. The evening shadows are stretching out all around, the birds are flying to the beds in the tall trees and the sun is sinking fast. 

Somewhere behind a tree I think I see a small face peeking out from a great hiding place. I hear giggles and silent shouts from my past whisper through the trees. They run along the creek bank and echo across the mountain tops. They slowly float into my memory and settle in my heart. They are forever locked there. No matter what the days ahead bring Parkinson's will never rob me of my memories and the love I have for those kids hiding behind the large boulders.

God has protected it all in my heart. He has locked the love of my youth away and as I make new memories those memories will not fade and I will take them with me on "My Journey."

Billy, George, Tina, Sean and Ron. Sherri is shy these days.