Sweet Surrender

Lost and alone on some forgotten highway

Traveled by many, remembered by few

As I lay there that night in bed I had many things running through my mind. Questions about life, concerns about the future and worries for my family. About 2:00 in the morning I got an old John Denver song stuck in my head. As I tossed and turned I could not help but wonder "Why this song of all songs?" It is true that at that moment I felt a little lost and confused and maybe a little forgotten. Then I remembered that others had traveled this road before me so there must be answers out there so I got up and cranked up google.

Lookin' for something that I can believe in

Lookin' for something that I'd like to do with my life

Symptoms of Parkinson's Disease

I started studying and found that there are a million sites and each has its own information and thoughts about Parkinson's disease. This is what I did find that was consistent about Parkinson's. First and foremost, All Parkinson's patients are not the same. Each experiences different symptoms. Some at different times some all at the same time. VERY IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER!!!!!!

Walking 

Persons with Parkinson's Disease tend to have a difficult time with walking. Some stumble and have a difficult time with starting and stopping procedures in their walk. Others experience stiff and rigid leg movement. Most Parkinson patients experience a shuffle while walking and their limbs may not swing while moving. Navigating obstacles can prove very difficult and many Parkinson patients experience leg cramping.

I have experienced all of these at one point or another. When I first met the neurologist he first mentioned my shuffling. Since my diagnosis I have experienced the stiff rigid walking. My legs get weak and I stumble several times a day.

A few weeks ago we were on a trip to San Francisco I woke up at about 5:30 in the morning with an awful leg cramp. I was trying not wake Krishna up but after several minutes I was pounding on the bed in pain. I was pointing my toe towards my chin like I learned when I got leg cramps playing ball but nothing was working. 

Kris jumped up and started rubbing my leg but it was like the cramp would move from one spot to another. First it was in my leg and then in my foot. Then it was in my calf and then in my shin. I was pounding on the bed and I could not help but yell a few times. We were in a hotel so I can only imagine what the people in the next room thought.

Tremors

Most commonly in the arms, hands and legs. They may start with the patient rubbing their fingers together. At times the trembling is visible at times it may not be. Trembling may surface in the face and jaw. In the early stages it can be localized to one side of the body. I have the trembling in my arms and legs. I can sometimes hide it by putting my hands in my coat pocket or crossing my arms. At other times it is easy to hide by tapping my arms like I am tapping to music.

 Brady Kinesia

This can include a stone expression or a masked look on the face of the Parkinson's patient. Like that of a blank stare.  One of my friends asked me one day if I was alright and I said yes of course. She said you look mad. I was really surprised because I was in a really good mood. The next day I asked my doctor if my medicine could make me look mad and he said no but Parkinson's can. Its called Stone Face or Parkinson's Face. I thought he was kidding me. 

Balance and Control

See walking

Motor Skill Loss

Difficulty holding objects.

This is me. My fine motor skills have been a challenge since my Chiari and now it can really be a challenge. I struggle to tie my shoes, my ties and buttoning my shirts.

Depression

I do not suffer from depression. WHY? Because I am blessed.

Penmanship

Writing becomes small and messy. If you think that is bad you should see me try to type.

Voice

Softening of voice and raspy. Poor word enunciation.

I am not allowed to sing solo in church!

Memory

Mild. 1 in 4 suffer from dementia. Many suffer from some sort of memory loss.

As I have said I have some loss but this has really improved for me through medication. 

Other Symptoms 

Includes loss of smell, trouble sleeping, dizziness and hunching over.

So what do I do? I leave it in Gods hands. As I returned to bed I thought I would never sleep.Here I had all this information and my mind was buzzing. Then I remembered. that the Bible says we need to leave it in God's hands and wait, he will take care of everything.

Psalms 37:7

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him

Doesn't that bring you comfort? I mean really knowing that God loves you so much he just wants you to wait and trust him. Anytime I try to control my life I mess it up. Don't we all? The finances, the relationships and dreams we have. But when we share our needs about our finances and we ask God to mend our relationships and to carry us to our dreams the end results is always better then what we had hoped for. 

As I fell asleep I could hear John Denver

Tomorrow is open right now it seems to be more than enough 
To just be here today and 
I don't know where I am going I'm not sure where I've been
There's a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me
if my life is worth livin', I don't need to see the end

Sweet Sweet Surrender

God is carrying my burdens and God is in control of my disease and God is in control of my relationships. God gets me through all the daily struggles and he is with us as we make our way through this life and when we move on we will forever celebrate his glory in the next life. Its all part of the plan and its all part of "My Journey."