The Darkest Hour is Just Before Dawn

I wish I could say that April 19, 1999 started bright and sunny but I did not know. I never saw that day in the sunlight. Krishna and I arrived at the hospital at 3:00 am. As we got out of the car the parking lot was dimly lite and we held hands as we made our way to the entrance. I love holding Krishna's hand. I hold it when we walk, shop, drive and I even hold her hand while we are sleeping. During my darkest moments of pain and frustration her touch could always bring peace and comfort to my soul. It still does.

The routine was normal: check in, wait, change, wait, get needles in arm, wait and then they come get you. The wait seemed like forever as I laid there in the flimsy gown. The cooler felt like it was on and I was freezing. As I laid on the gurney I was holding Krishna's hand and chatting with her and my parents. I could feel the nervousness in her hands as she kept squeezing my hands.

Soon they came to wheel me into surgery. I hated letting go of that hand. I kissed my beautiful math girl and told her I loved her. I said " God is on our side. We've got this." Off I went into a very white bright room. I was already drowsy and within minutes I would be asleep. Just as I fell asleep the doctors were all waving good night to me.

Krishna 

While we waited for Ron to go into surgery we talked. Just chit chat. I was not nervous or anxious. Then he handed me his wedding ring. One last kiss and off he went I held his hand as long as I could until our finger tips separated and he was gone. I then realized that this could be the last time I saw him. I got choked up and tried to hold it together. I thought to myself "can this really be happening?" I had lost my Dad a few years earlier and just a year earlier my mom had died at the same hospital just a few floors up from we were. I could not loose Ron. I felt alone and scared and the one person I depend on had just left the room. That is the man that makes me laugh and he makes me whole and he just left for an unknown fate.

In what seemed like an instant I was awake. I was in horrible pain and getting sick everywhere. I thought yep I died and I am in hell. Then I remembered the dream I had had the week before where I actually went to heaven, so I knew I was not dead as I was promised ever lasting salvation. I was alive.

I was thinking the whole time "how can there be so much pain, I had surgery to fix me." My head had a giant wrecking ball in it and it was crashing around everywhere. The worst part was I had forgotten about the bolts they were going to screw in my head and every time I open my mouth to moan the holes would run blood down my face. At one point, I wiped my face and spread blood all over my face, head and hands. Thank goodness Jodi Ditler had shaved my head or I would have blood all in my hair as well.

My world was a fog. I could not see clearly and no where in my search could I find Krishna's hand. Really this has to be hell. Soon I could feel them moving me and I knew I was going to a new room but the world was still spinning and dizzy. That's when I felt her hand and I knew I was going to be safe.

Krishna

During the surgery I prayed. I talked to Ron's parents but mostly I paced. I have to admit that deep down inside my heart I knew it would be alright. He will make it through this. As lonely as I felt I knew I was not alone. 

Psalm 56:3-4

When I am afraid I will put my trust in you. In God, Whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust.

I had Ron's family and at home we had a church praying for us. I knew we also had a great community of family and friends supporting us. I also knew that Christ would get me through this and I would be strong. 

It seemed like an eternity and when it past the time they said it would take I started to get anxious. I wondered what could be taking so long and I worried about Ron. Then the doctor came out and said that Ron was in recovery. It went well.

I was in and out of sleep. I would remember waking up to a foggy room and being in major pain. I would ask what was wrong but could not hear any clear answer from anyone. I only heard voices. Then I would sleep again. I would wake up and see mom and dad but I could not tell them that my head hurt. I mean I tried but when they talked to me I could not understand them.

As the day progressed I could make out words and people and I finally saw that Kris was there. She did not look good. She looked pale. She looked scared. She looked like she wanted to get sick. I thought that maybe the blood on my face made her sick to her stomach.

Krishna

When I walked into Ron's room I could not figure out why he had blood all over his face and the side of his head. The surgery was on the back o his head so this was all to confusing for me. I asked a nurse what happened and she said it was from the bolts that had been in his head. I had not told us about the bolts. 

Ron was in an intense amount of pain and all through the day I asked if that was normal as I thought meds would help with that. I was assured time and time again that he was fine. He did not seem fine. Late that night I was emotionally exhausted. I had spent the day watching my husband suffer in pain and I could not help. As I left for the hotel I wondered if he would get any rest.

It was now very late at night. I could tell because the room was darker. I could not stop the pain. I was awake and asking for help. There were several people in the room. They were talking and moving around. One was writing information and one was wrapping up my tubes. I think they are moving me. I heard the word doctor and OR but not sure what was happening. All I knew was I was hurting.

Just as my bed started to move I cried out to God. "God, What is happening?" People turned to look at me. "God where are you? Can you hear me? Is this all there is for me?"

Psalm 102.1: Listen to my prayer, Oh Lord, and hear me cry for help.

Psalm 16:5 You, Lord, are all I have, and you give me all I need; my future is in your hands.

My bed was now facing the door and I saw her walk in the room. She was carrying something in her hands and she spoke to the rest of the people in the room. They all stopped. She put a needle in the IV port in my arm. She then pulled up my gown and placed her hand on my chest. She calmly looked in my eyes and said "I need you to relax."  I remember her eyes being so calm. Just as she stuck a needle in my stomach I fell asleep.

When I woke up the room was empty. There was very little sound except water splashing. She was standing there with a tray by the bed. On the tray was a small container of water and she was cleaning a rag in it. As she turned to face me I saw it was the one who had given me the shot.

"Well hello" she said,"Do you feel better?" Yes what was that you gave me? She named a medicine and I said oh. I wish I had had that earlier. She smiled and said "well you were supposed to. Someone made a mistake." I asked where they were taking me and she replied that I was headed back to the OR.

As we quietly visited she cleaned my face. She replaced the warm water several times and then softly cleaned the top of my head and all the mess from the days events. I don't remember much about what she said until she said "Are you a christian?" Yes I said." Why." In a soft voice she told me "A voice told me how to help you and I was over taken to reread your chart. I have never experienced that before." She smiled again. I told her I was calling out to God when she came in and gave me the shot. "That's what I thought." She smiled again. As she left she said that a trip back to the OR could have been bad. I said I will see you in the morning. She said " I will see you again but not tomorrow."

I have yet to see her again. But maybe someday.

It was now past 3:30 in the morning and my room was dark. The only sound I could hear is the medical equipment keeping track of vitals and an occasional voice down the hall. Big tears are slowly rolling down my swollen face. These were not tears of pain or sadness but tears of relief.

I was relieved to be past this hurdle and moving in a new direction. I was relieved that for the moment my pain was gone. I was relieved that I had a family that was there during all of my difficult times. I was relieved that I had great friends and a church that loved me. I was relieved that I had an amazing wife that I adored.

Mostly, I was relieved that I had a God that loved me. I had a God that put people in my life that cared for me. Even those I did not know. As I laid there on that hard bed I knew that tonight would be my first good nights sleep in a long time. I knew tonight my soul would find comfort and peace because I was laying in the palm of Gods hands and I knew that he was with me on "My Journey."